


Ninja vs Demon

by morrezela



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Demons, Gen, Humor, Ninja
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-08
Updated: 2013-03-08
Packaged: 2017-12-04 15:08:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/712112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morrezela/pseuds/morrezela
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen is a ninja. Clearly, he is a ninja.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ninja vs Demon

**Author's Note:**

> All mistakes that you find are my own.

“A breadstick, really?” the smug, blue eyed bastard mocks.

Jensen waves his pretzel rod menacingly. He doesn’t answer. Ninjas don’t talk. It ruins their chi of stealthiness. But if he could talk, he’d tell the demon that it is clearly, clearly a pretzel, and years in perdition have taken their toll on his smarts.

But he doesn’t say that because – ninja.

“Are you trying to threaten me?” the demon asks as if he can’t believe the ludicrousness of the situation.

To be fair, Jensen can’t believe it either. Everybody knows that you should be scared of ninjas and their deadly, sneaky judo chops. Chuck Norris knows to be afraid of them. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a ninja, and he ain’t no stinkin’ pirate. Jensen grinds his teeth together at the thought of the billowy shirted cretins. Pirates are stupid. Ninjas are awesome.

“Look, I’m not letting you have them,” the demon remarks casually. “There are rules, and I break them. I’m evil, okay?”

Jensen squints menacingly but stops the practice almost immediately. His friend Jared has a friend named Chad who squints perpetually, and Chad is so far from a ninja that it is laughable.

Of course, Jensen’s friend Chris also squints a lot, and Chris is terrifying. But Chris isn’t quiet enough to be a ninja. Chris just slaps people around and proves that his five-foot-eight height shouldn’t be pointed out to him if you don’t want to have the hurt put on you. Jensen still calls bullshit on the whole five-foot-ten lie, but he’s a ninja. He can totally ninja vanish, and Chris can’t find him.

“You know, I find this to be rather dull. I’m used to more interaction. Where are the threats? Where is the plea for the return of your loved ones?” the demon says.

The only reply that Jensen gives is to break the pretzel rod in half – silently of course.

“Fantastic. You have miraculous stale bread breaking skills. See me cower,” the blue eyed being deadpans.

Jensen doesn’t respond. He stays perfectly still.

“Look, why don’t we introduce ourselves. I’m Misha, and you’re?”

Not a twitch, not even a blink to the masterful liar’s attempts to lure Jensen out - that is how good Jensen is.

An exasperated sigh echoes in the room after a few moments. “This is all very annoying. I’ve won. You’ve lost. Unless there is some sort of exorcism that you’re planning on performing with that…”

Misha never gets to finish his sentence. Jensen strikes faster than a black mamba - not that skinny girl from that Quentin Tarantino film either. He shoves the pretzel rods up Misha’s nose to block his host’s airways and yanks open his mouth to pour the blessed mixture down his throat.

Soon enough there is convulsing and choking going on, but Jensen manages to straddle and hold down the physical body while he hits the play button on his cellphone to play the exorcism that he had recorded earlier. His phone is never on anything but silent. No vibrations for him, but he isn’t some stodgy, set in his ways practitioner. He is a high-tech master of his art.

Even though he is restraining a possessed man, Jensen has no problems thumbing on the sound for his recording. He has an iPhone 4s. He could just use Siri, but that would mean breaking his silence. Besides, his super skills are beyond needing her assistance. The body beneath him writhes and wriggles and all of its muscles seize up before the demon leaves its host.

The body immediately starts choking and wheezing. Blood begins to pour out of his nose where tiny bits of pretzel have embedded themselves. Jensen magnanimously pulls the offending food from the man’s nostrils. This earns him a couple of weak slaps and a, “Fuck!”

Deciding that he should let the man regain some semblance of pride, Jensen noiselessly rises. Then he aides the shorter man to his feet.

“I don’t know whether I love you for getting rid of that thing, or hate you for giving me the mother of all nose bleeds,” the man complains.

Jensen doesn’t know either. He isn’t a Zen master. He doesn’t sit around thinking philosophical shit all day.

He gestures towards the locked steel vault with his chin. He hates to rush the recently de-possessed man, but he has a schedule to keep. Mystical comes on at eight, and he gets cranky if he has to pay to download his episodes of the so-clearly-soulmate sisters who hunt down renegade fairies and sprites. Jared tells him that he gets sullen, but Jensen doesn’t know how he can tell. He is the major domo of hiding his emotions.

Speaking of Jared, he is all trussed up and pretty in his billowy shirt and tight, tight leggings when the formerly possessed man opens the door to the steel room. He and all of his pirate-y cohorts blink with astonishment when the no longer possessed guy starts untying them from their infernal bonds.

“Thank you?” Jared asks when his mouth is ungagged.

“Not a problem. Your friend out there is really the hero. He got rid of that thing that took me over. But word to the wise my friend, next time a guy tells you that a treasure is going to curse your soul to hell, don’t try to steal it.”

Jared has the decency to look abashed, but being Jared he doesn’t apologize. Instead he asks, “What friend?”

From his super hide-y hiding place, Jensen smiles beneath his mask. His roommate doesn’t know that he lives with a ninja. Jared won’t ever know either. It’ll be Jensen’s secret, but he is trained to be good at those.


End file.
